Friends or Parents?

yes, we can be both

Photo by James Wheeler on Unsplash

Catchy phrases are the enemy of good parenting.

Here’s the one I’ve got on my mind: “I’m the parent, not her friend.”

Sure, this catchphrase can be used to chastise the parent who buddies up to his or her teen, emulating youth culture and facilitating destructive decision making. You know, the ones that bought the kegger for the post game party. Though, let’s be honest— how many of those parents actually hear the well-meant caution? Hey, Debby, getting the neighbor kids drunk is a bad idea…. If they are immature enough to be acting like teenagers, chances are they will just respond like teenagers and bristle at being judged. They certainly won’t change their ways when met with disapproval.

So, at best, the catchy phrase is useless. It preaches to the choir and sets us up for (truthfully) a little bit of camouflaged judginess of our own. True or not, it’s not exactly good for our souls.

The real danger in this bon mot is that it sets up a false dichotomy. Forced to make a choice between the alternatives, believing in the necessity of a parent for a child’s well-being, of course we pick “parent” as the right answer. We have to be the parents; they can find their friends at school, at church, at co-op. At the park if they’re desperate.

But what if that choice obfuscates an essential part of parenthood—that is, the opportunity to be our child’s first best friend, and a treasured and trusted friend for all of their days? The opportunity to show them how to be the kind of person who can be part of joyful, mature, reciprocal relationships?

Adult friendship is a two way street, of course. That’s exactly the point. Maybe you’ve had one of those friendships that take way more than they give, leaving you drained and desperate for a restorative bowl of mint chocolate-chip ice cream after an encounter. So what better way for our children to learn to BE friends than to model the friendships that have guided them from early years?

Being a friend certainly doesn’t mean giving them their own way. Have you ever watched two kindergartners play? They are sweetness and light until Johnny and Suzy want the same toy. Then it’s all double crossing schemes and attempted murder. As long as they don’t succeed, then next Thursday’s play date is still on. Let’s not even bring up high school.

Have you noticed how many adults still operate on this level? Sweet enough to your face, but ye gods and little fishes, watch the claws come out when Little Miss goes to dance class, or Junior joins the soccer team. Or maybe they just don’t like your face, or whatever.

Maybe it’s because they were never shown a better way.

Being a friend doesn’t mean we stop being a parent, either. It is entirely possible to be both at the same time. Yes, Mary, I’ll play tea party with you. No, Bobby, we’re not kicking balls into the street. See? Totally doable. And if my teenager wants to talk to me about the video game he played or how the neighbor kid ticked him off, well, sure I have time! Even if the game isn’t my thing, or I have my own opinions about the neighbor. If you called me up and wanted to talk about your crochet project and your latest non-fight with your passive-aggressive mother-in-law, I’d carve out a slice for you, too.

It all makes sense when we understand that our friendships are supposed to help us in our spiritual lives. We support each other, listen to each other, hang out and do things with each other. We help each other do the right thing. How is any of that incompatible with parenting?

I love being my kids’ friends. I love it when my three year old asks me to be the triceratops while he is the tyrannosaurus. I wasn’t much of a board or card game person until one of my daughters was, and now I’m a beast at Sleeping Queens and she doesn’t always beat me at chess. I’ve got some fun (and funny!) kids, and the truth is that I’ve learned to be a better friend in general because of them.

The moral of the story is this: Don’t let a stupid catchphrase rob you if one of the great joys of life. Let’s raise kids who know how to be good friends for each other.