Giving "the Talk"
If you looked into my curriculum release, Sex Ed For Sane People, you might have noticed that biology is a prerequisite and the curriculum is aimed at older high school students. The material uses higher level scientific and theological terminology and is best understood with sufficient experience and background. In the grand majority of cases, students will have to have had “the Talk” long before using such a curriculum.
In the mean time, I’d like to offer some encouragement to the parents who are getting ready to offer that talk to their kids. Like so many things, the worry leading up to it tends to be much worse than the reality when it happens.
First of all, remember that “the talk” is really a series of talks over the course of time. We’re not handing the latest issue of a women’s health magazine to our third graders and calling it a day. The trick is to keep answers in the zone of proximal development — the area of learning where the student can’t do it himself, but needs various levels of scaffolding until he is able to engage the material without external guidance. In the sex ed context, this means giving just enough information to satisfy a learner’s inquiry, without overwhelming them with information that becomes distracting. We scaffold the subject piece by piece until the student becomes competent and can navigate it herself. When we do this well, our learners return to us in trust when they need more for the next step.
What this looks like in practice varies dramatically, but one practical piece of advice is to use correct anatomical terms for bodies. Not only does this give a child information he needs to communicate well with his doctor, there are studies that show that correct terminology can help protect children from becoming victims of sexual abuse. Another thing this might look like in practice is watching nature shows together. Inevitably, a child will ask, “Why are those bugs fighting? Wait, are they trying to EAT each other?” A simple response of “Nope, they are mating/ He is fertilizing her eggs/They are combining genetic information,” paves the way for future conversations.
Lots of little conversations also help us regulate the fear that our students will learn things about sex from places that we don’t know about or don’t approve. This is very likely to happen at one point or another, and the best way to prepare for that is cultivate an environment where our children are very comfortable asking difficult questions of us.
One way to keep track of how well our kids are assimilating information, especially in elementary aged students, is by listening to them play. Children typically play what they are learning, and especially so when they are ruminating. Noticing when a child gets stuck in unproductive play, obsessing in uncreative ways about a subject, can help diagnose where attention is needed. An example of this might be a child who suddenly only wants to play naked dolls, and whatever game they try to play, the dolls always end up naked and on top of each other. This likely indicates the child is trying to figure out some sort of sexual idea, from the innocuous (seeing a couple kiss romantically) to the red flag scenario of some sort of grooming. It’s not a bad thing that a child plays this way-- it certainly does not always indicate abuse-- but it is a signal for an attentive parent to offer a helping hand, perhaps by joining the child in play and listening to the direction the conversation takes.
We can also pay attention to how our children behave when they are in the company of other, specific friendships, and we can use the circumstances of our lives to open doors of conversation. We particularly want to pay attention when our child acts out inappropriately after interacting with certain people, noting things like aggression or sexual play. Remember, the primary goal is cultivating an atmosphere of trust, so that the child is comfortable asking tricky questions and talking about difficult situations.
As I mention several times in Sex Ed For Sane People, communicating about sexuality is profoundly personal, and highly dependent on the relationship between parent and child.
Our ability to communicate can always be improved, as we deepen our understanding about ourselves and our children and practice compassionate listening. This is why I hope that parents will take the bones present in my curriculum and flesh it out it for their own students, so that we all can empower the next generation to pursue spiritual maturity within the context of their sex lives.
It can be so useful to remember that feelings of embarrassment, shame, or discomfort are most likely coming from within us, and that it will help to think (and pray!) about that before going forward with talking to a child. It is often the case that our own well-meaning parents accidentally sent some pretty potent messaging about sexual behavior that we take for granted. It is also true that church communities have this power, and have not wielded it accidentally, nor necessarily wisely.
We are all products of our own times, our parents included, so it’s not an issue of blame as much as it is a gentle acknowledgment of reality. Just because we were taught to feel embarrassed about our naked bodies, private areas, or body functions, for example, doesn’t mean that we need to continue to feel that way. As adults, we can grow and learn to relate to our own bodies in calm and healthy ways. Sometimes this means acquiring new tools and strategies for relating to ourselves. If we accept this responsibility for growth as adults, it will most certainly pay forward to our children.
It also does not mean that we are required to accept everything that is sold to us by the Christian media machine. Just as the Lord sent an angel to wrestle with Jacob and responded to Job in his agony, we can be sure that He will bear patiently with our struggles to understand the teachings of the Church while we carry our crosses and learn to love our dearest Friend.
In the meantime, we can plan how we are going to deal with our own feelings within the conversations we have with our children, and even practice small scripted responses:
“If you’re picking up on my discomfort, it’s mostly because sex is such a private and personal thing. It’s hard to talk about things that are private and personal sometimes.”
“I’m glad you asked me that question. Let me think for a minute how best to answer that.”
“I’m not trying to deceive you. I’m trying to figure out how to communicate to you the information you need without any extra information that would confuse or trouble you.”
“That word that you are asking about is for something I don’t think you need the brain picture for yet. Do you mind asking me again in a few weeks/months?” (This response helps you figure out if a child is thinking a lot about something, or just asking incidental questions.)
“That word is a vulgar and crass word for [appropriate term]. We don’t use that word in our family because instead, we use [kind/loving/beautiful] words that celebrate Creation and describe the real thing.”
There’s no “right age” for teaching a child about sex. Kids are different, and information is appropriate at different levels and at different times. It is, however, important to give our children tools to stay safe from abuse, and this is not possible with complete sheltering. To that end, I recommend both Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear, and the website and resources of Pastor Jimmy Hinton.
Pray and be encouraged! The Lord will equip us for this good work.
In celebration of its launch, Sex Ed For Sane People is 50% off until the end of the week! After that, it will go up to full price, so snag a copy and save some bucks!
One of the perks of the curriculum is a link to a private Telegram group, where you are welcome to ask questions and talk about your concerns. Even if you aren’t using a sex ed curriculum for any of your students this school year, you might want to read over the material and join the group for your own edification.
Through the prayers of St. Mary of Egypt, Lord have mercy on us!