Ready for Back to School

A story of planning woes

Photo by Unseen Studio on Unsplash

I had a hard time planning for school this summer.

Most years I enjoy it; I sit in the shade by the pool and make up my book-lists and schedules while the kids swim and eat ice cream. Light breezes threaten (but never quite manage) to blow my papers away, red-winged blackbirds and starlings flit in and out of the tree I sit under, and every so often I put my notebooks and papers down to just lay on my back and watch the clouds in the sky. It’s really quite pleasant.

This year was not like that. This year I struggled every step of the way. We went to the pool, and I sat under my tree, and I pulled out all my notes and book-lists, and…

…nothing. The kids swam and had fun, but I didn’t know where or how to start. The birds flitted back and forth, and the clouds looked lovely, but I was at a loss. I had ideas but I couldn’t see how they fit into the way we usually do school. I had plenty of books on my lists, but they didn’t seem to be quite what I wanted. I had a sense of how I wanted our days to look, but I kept running into the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day — not nearly enough to do it all.

Eventually I managed to cobble together a concrete plan, but by the time I called it quits I felt like I’d been run over by a train. I was exhausted and somewhat discouraged.

The irony is that this was the year, more than any other, that I prayed seriously about my planning.

“Lord, what do you want me to do?”

Silence.

“Lord, show me how you want this to work.”

More silence.

In the past I’ve always been confident. I’ve had assurance and certainty about the planning decisions I’ve made. But this year I had nothing but worry, and doubt, and uncertainty. I found myself overwhelmed by choices that have usually been simple. I agonized over details that had never required so much as a second thought.

I took apart our days and planned everything from the ground up, thinking that I was making Big Changes, and that things would be Very Different this year. But somehow after all the effort — after all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into the project — I ended up with a plan so similar to my plans of past years that I now find myself in a state of bewilderment, wondering what all the fuss was even about.

I may never know why it was such an intense struggle this time around. I suppose the “why” doesn’t really matter anyway (though I can think of a few possibilities, mostly revolving around humility and trust).

I intend to hold the plans loosely, fully prepared to drop them altogether if necessary, in order to keep my focus where it needs to be. I make all these plans to serve my children, not to have my children serve the plans, so if it turns out that they’re not what we need, then I’m ready to let them all go and start over.

But the fall is really here, and ready or not, it’s time to get started with the plans that I have, so here we go!