Giver or Receiver?

the chiastic nature of hospitality

Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

We often hear advice about how to give well — how to show hospitality, how to care for those who are unable to care for themselves. There are books and seminars and retreats and videos; an endless list of resources for how to show hospitality and how to share out of our abundance.

What we almost never hear about is how we should behave when we are on the receiving end of hospitality; about what it is that makes a good guest, a good recipient of a host’s generosity. After all why should we?

But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return… (Luke 6:35)

… “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)

When we give we’re not supposed to look for anything in return. Instead we are urged to focus on the joys of giving, and on how that act is one whereby we can imitate our Lord, Jesus Christ.

When we are the receiver we come to the exchange empty-handed, usually out of necessity. When Christ came into the world to give Himself freely for the life of the world, He didn’t do it because we could offer Him anything in return. We couldn’t. We are totally dependent on Him for our very life, and there is nothing that we can offer Him that He actually needs from us.

But it is this very empty-handedness that compels us to want to give back to Him. We feel the immensity of His gift and we long to reciprocate in what small ways we can.

So we repent.

We change our lives.

We fall head-over-heels in love with Him and choose Him over everything else.

He offers Himself for us. We offer ourselves back to Him in return.

It’s a beautiful image, breathtaking in its profundity. But how do we live it out in the day to day? We teach our children how to give to others, but do we teach them how to receive?

Imagine opening your home to someone in need, at great inconvenience to yourself, only to be met with entitled disregard for your efforts. You offer your space and they use it carelessly. You offer your time and they demand more than you have to give. You show concern for their comfort and they feel judged by your standards.

This is how we so often behave toward God, isn’t it? He offers us everything, and we are careless, demanding, and full of self-justifying excuses.

But what is His response to us? He continues to give. He continues to care for us. He continues to draw us toward Him, working relentlessly for our salvation.

We can choose to accept His gift and reciprocate, or we can choose to reject it. We’re always free to choose one or the other.

When we extend hospitality it is not our job to correct the attitude of those to whom we extend it. Their attitude is not our concern. We can, however, take care to check our own attitude. We can be conscious, when we are on the receiving end of hospitality, to reciprocate by receiving it well. That means not coming to the table empty handed or complaining about what we are served. It means actively looking for ways to give in return.

Sometimes being on the receiving end of hospitality can feel humiliating. We are acutely aware of our lack, our empty hands, our need. It’s easier to be the giver because a giver has. A receiver has not.

But when we remember that giving and receiving are reciprocal actions — that they depend on one another in order to exist as such — we have the opportunity to move outside the bounds of haves and have-nots into the wider realm of love and communion. There can be no giver without a receiver, and no receiver without a giver.

Giving and receiving are the actions through which we enhance our communion with one another. It is through giving that we show love and through receiving that we accept it.

If you listened to our latest podcast episode you heard our first conversation about chiasm. It is worth noting that here, under the purview of hospitality, there also exists the potential for a chiasm to occur, whereby in the deepening and cultivating of love and communion, the giver and receiver come to change places repeatedly — the one becoming the other over and over again in a mutual outpouring of love.

We can see this chiasm beautifully illustrated in the parent-child relationship as it unfolds over a lifetime. Our children come to us as totally dependent beings — they can do absolutely nothing to reciprocate as we pour out our love for them in the form of care and caresses — but as they grow they become capable of returning our love. They mature, they change over the years from helpless infants into competent adults. Over time we as parents come to rely on their hospitality as we slowly become less able to give in the same way as before. We see the receiver become the giver, and the giver become the receiver; the chiasm is lived out generationally over the course of a lifetime.

There are examples of the giving-receiving exchange taking place in smaller time frames as well. Even in the everyday act of feeding the hungry around our own tables we experience the reciprocity involved in showing hospitality as we teach our children to contribute to the act of communion by giving thanks and helping in what small ways they can.

Showing hospitality is important. Giving of ourselves is important. But let’s not forget to learn how to receive as well, so that we can grow our relationships, both with our loved ones and with our Lord Himself, as we learn how to love both God and our neighbor more deeply.